Dealing with change and new beginnings

Are you actively planning or in the process of making a change in your life?

Has something unexpected happened that has thrust change on you?

Are there changes you want to make but haven’t been able to?

Life means encountering many new beginnings. Some of these are positive and others less so. Some we choose and some come about through circumstance. Change, even the ones we want to make, can feel challenging or unsettling.

This article explores change, the impact it can have on us, and how to cope with this.

New Beginnings

As I started to write this blog I initially thought of the term ‘new beginnings’ as a positive concept. The idea of starting out on a new adventure and heading down a road or a path that is full of excitement and potential.  However, I also realise that even the most well-planned journey can be fraught with apprehension, fear, various obstacles, and challenges. 

There may be a landslide blocking the way forward, or we somehow end up taking the wrong turn.  So although there is excitement about what lies ahead there can also be frustration, confusion and uncertainty.  

Maybe we didn’t even choose to go on this journey, but life's circumstances threw us into it.  

Then there are the adventures that are longed for but we don’t make it out of the door. We cannot find the car keys, or the right boots to wear, or we just don’t know where to start. Or we did get out of the door it feels too much and we want to go running back to the safety of home.

How we feel about change

If you reflect on past or present changes you may notice a range of emotions. Even positive and longed-for changes can bring with them mixed feelings. These may include one or more of the following:

• Excitement;

• Hopeful;

• Confusion;

• Helplessness;

• Anger or irritability;

• Fear or anxiety;

• Numbness or low mood;

• Sadness or grief.

Why we resist change

Human beings find safety in routine and predictability. Unfortunately, life can sometimes bring unexpected changes or uncertainty. It is easy in such circumstances to push against change or deny it is happening. Or feel so overwhelmed it is difficult to cope with and fall back into old unhelpful patterns or hide away.

However, there may be other changes you can actively make but resist doing so.

Then there are times we want to change our life but doing so may feel like a big step and take us out of our comfort zone. Yet staying in our comfort zone may mean feeling safe but also staying stuck. It is easier to resist change than make it, but it could lead to dissatisfaction, frustration, or staying in a situation that may be harmful.

Is there something in your life right now that you would like to change?  Yet you feel unable to act on this? If so you are not alone. Here are some common reasons for resisting change:

• The potential risks involved;

• The possible impact on others;

• Not knowing where to start;

• Fear of failure;

• Lack of free time;

• It seems like too much time and effort.

There can be safety and comfort in keeping things the same, even if that means our growth is stagnated or our current situation is not good for us.

How to make the changes we want

Here is a step-by-step guide for making changes:

1. What changes do you want to make in your life? For example, increase fitness, start a new hobby, and maintain a regular sleep routine.

2. List these in order of how challenging they feel. For example, (1) Maintain a regular sleep routine. (2) Start a new hobby. (3) Increase fitness.

3. Start with the one that feels the easiest. This will hopefully feel more manageable and help to build confidence in making changes. In this example, I will use the goal of maintaining a regular sleep routine.

4. How do you feel about implementing that change? Determined

5. What, if any, blocks are there to making this change? There are occasions when it won’t be possible to keep a regular bedtime. Such as a late work function, or having guests staying.

6. How can you manage or overcome these blocks? This may include, finding out more information, asking for support, and finding workarounds. Remind myself is okay to have the odd disruption to my routine when it will be more of a hindrance than a help. I can always pick up the routine again the next night. It isn’t all or nothing.

7. Can your goal be broken down into smaller sub-tasks? This allows you to recognise the progress you are making and the overall goal feel less intimidating. My first step is to go to bed at the same time most nights. The next task would be to get up at the same time every day, even on days off.

8. Set a time for each sub-tasks and ensure you schedule adequate time in your diary to work towards this. I will aim to be in bed by 11pm every night starting tomorrow. After two weeks I will then add setting my wakeup alarm for 7am.

9. If you hit a block, reflect on what happened and what you can do to overcome it. I managed to regular bedtime but it is too easy to press the snooze button on the alarm. I will set an alarm that I need to get out of bed to turn off.

10. Once this new change has been established reflect on how the process went:

    1. What worked well?

    2. What was challenging?

    3. Was it easier or harder to make the change than you expected?

    4. Is there anything you’ve learned or can take away from the experience?

How to cope with change

Keep a routine

Having a routine may help bring a sense of normality and control to what may be a chaotic or difficult time. It might include things like maintaining a regular sleep schedule, having regular meal times, or, getting exercise.

Acknowledge any changes

It may give you temporary relief to deny change and how you feel about it. However, by not being able to see the full picture it may mean missing opportunities, the blunting of other emotions, or not being aware of choices we can make in the circumstances.

Self-care

Schedule time in your day for activities that feel relaxing or comforting. It could include things like, being creative, keeping fit, meditation, or journaling.

Ask for help

Are there practical tasks at home or work you can delegate to others?

Maybe you would benefit from talking to a trusted friend or family member to bounce ideas off or to feel supported. '

Therapy may also be a useful option for getting help through a difficult transition.

Review your thoughts about the change

In stressful, upsetting, or difficult circumstances it is possible for logic to go out of the window. There may be circumstances where our thinking is appropriate to the situation. However, our brains, in an attempt to keep us safe, can lean more toward negative thinking patterns when things feel unsettling, or scary.

If you are experiencing negative thoughts about change or new beginnings you may find it helpful to:

1. List the thoughts you are having;

2. By each one write whether these thoughts accurately match the situation.

3. Are your thoughts predicting the worst-case scenario?

4. If so, are there other possible outcomes?

5. Imagine what a friend may say in response to your thoughts.

6. What is the evidence for and against the thoughts you are having?

7. Start a gratitude diary (see next section for more information on this).

Keeping a gratitude diary

Practicing gratitude has been linked with an increase in resilience and well-being.

If you feel overwhelmed by change or a new beginning it can be easy to lose sight of the things you value in your life. If you’ve been through a huge change the idea of finding things to be grateful for may sound like an impossible task. The key is to acknowledge the small things. For example, a thoughtful text from a friend, the smell of fresh laundry, or hearing your favorite music.

One way to practice gratitude is to have a special notebook to record things you appreciate. You can also find mobile phone apps for this purpose that will give you reminder notifications. You may find it beneficial to finish your day with three things you are grateful for. This way it becomes a habit, you have the full day to draw from and it may help with sleep.

When you record the things you are grateful for, notice if your emotions change in any way (however slight) and where you feel this in your body.

How have you managed change and transitions in the past?

If you’ve experienced a major transition before it may be helpful to reflect on what this was like. Did you experience similar thoughts and feelings? Was there anything you found helpful in managing these? Is there anything you can learn from getting through that time that may be helpful now?

Counselling through change

Whether you feel stuck in a rut, in midst of change, or trying to come to terms with something in the past you might find therapy helpful.

If you would have any questions or would like to book an appointment please get in contact with me.