How to Cope with Christmas

The festive period can be a rollercoaster of emotions for many of us.

It’s a time associated with celebrations and warm gatherings. Despite the enchanting ambience of twinkling lights and festive decorations, the pressure to meet societal expectations may amplify feelings of isolation, grief and stress.

I want to talk about the impact of well-being during this time and provide suggestions to make this season more manageable.

What can make Christmas challenging

Different reasons can make the festive period challenging. Some of these include:

• Expectations of a perfect Christmas;

• A recent or past bereavement;

• Other losses, such as divorce, children leaving home, or redundancy;

• Financial difficulties;

• Overindulgence;

• Family relationship issues;

• Competing commitments;

• Social anxiety.

Where do Christmas expectations come from

Christmas expectations emerge from a combination of cultural, media, and personal influences.

• Cultural Traditions:

  • Rooted in history, spirituality, or religious practices, cultural traditions shape Christmas expectations. Examples include Christmas carols, special meals, and iconic figures like Santa Claus who symbolizes the spirit of gift-giving.

• Family Traditions:

  • Passed down through generations, family traditions contribute significantly to expectations. These can involve decorating the tree with sentimental ornaments, enjoying special food treats, capturing a festive family photo, or engaging in specific gatherings unique to each family.

• Social Media:

  • Social media platforms often present an idealized version of holiday celebrations, portraying perfect lives and flawless holiday moments. Images of festive social gatherings, meticulously decorated homes, abundant meals, and extravagant gifts may create unrealistic expectations and contribute to the fear of missing out (FOMO).

• Festive Movies:

  • Festive movies often weave heartwarming storylines that emphasize themes of giving, love, and miracles. These cinematic narratives contribute to the overall sentiment of the season and influence expectations around the joyous aspects of Christmas.

• Advertisements:

  • Advertisements frequently showcase images of family togetherness, culinary delights, abundance, and stunning festive decor. They may promote "must-haves" for the season, including expensive gifts or items that purportedly enhance the overall festive experience. Advertisements play a significant role in shaping consumer expectations and desires during the holiday season.

The impact of unrealistic festive expectations

Striving to meet the ideal festive season portrayed by social media, festive TV, and advertisements may lead to various challenges, including:

• Fear of Missing Out (FOMO):

  • The portrayal of a flawless Christmas on social media and in advertisements can foster a fear of missing out (FOMO). Constant comparisons to these idealized images may result in heightened stress, diminished self-esteem, and overall dissatisfaction.

• Financial Pressures:

  • Longing for unnecessary items or feeling obligated to purchase expensive gifts due to the influence of media can create financial pressures. The struggle to meet these expectations may lead to feelings of guilt or overspending beyond one's means.

• Isolation and Loneliness:

  • Christmas is often depicted as a joyous and social occasion. However, for those without close family or friends, or for those who’ve experienced loss, the season can amplify feelings of isolation and loneliness.

  • Individuals with mental health difficulties may find it challenging to express their struggles, fearing they should conform to the societal expectation of holiday cheer.

• Exhaustion or Burnout:

  • The holiday season is inherently busy, with demands such as attending gatherings, buying gifts, decorating homes, and preparing elaborate meals. Balancing these additional tasks alongside everyday responsibilities can lead to exhaustion or burnout.

  • Overindulgence and late nights further contribute to physical and emotional fatigue during this hectic time.

Tips for surviving the Christmas holiday season

Prioritise what is important

Prioritise what holds significance for you during the Christmas season.

• Create a List of Priorities:

  • Write down what matters most to you during the festive period. For example, (1) achieving a balance between socialising and relaxation, (2) exercising, (3) and so on.

• Order Your Priorities:

  • Organize your list in order of importance. Determine which aspects of the festive season are most crucial to your well-being and enjoyment.

• Develop a Plan:

  • Once you've identified your main priorities, devise a plan on how to achieve them. Be specific with your plan by including details such as where, when, how, and who.

• Identify Individuals to Connect With:

  • List the people you'd like to spend time with over the festive period, aligning with your priority of achieving a balance between socialising and personal downtime.

  • If you’re lonely at Christmas you might want your plan to include signing up for a befriending service, offering to volunteer or joining a social group;

  • If you don’t want to connect with anyone that is okay too. Maybe your ideal Christmas is to have some time to relax or engage in your interests;

• Allocate Time for Relaxation and Interests:

  • Determine the amount of time you want to dedicate to relaxation or engaging in personal interests. Ensure that this allocation aligns with your overall priorities.

• Balance Your Plan:

  • Evaluate whether your plan strikes a balance between socialising and personal time. If adjustments are needed, consider the following steps.

• Review and Revise:

  • Identify what you might need to sacrifice or adjust to adhere to your plan. For instance, be selective about social engagements to maintain the desired balance.

• Anticipate Challenges:

  • Reflect on potential obstacles that might hinder your goal. For instance, you might find it challenging to turn down invitations or struggle with motivation to exercise.

• Develop Strategies to Overcome Obstacles:

  • Devise ways to work around these anticipated challenges. For example, exercise motivation could involve booking classes in advance, signing up for a challenge or joining a sports club.

• Suggestions for Turning Down Invitations:

  • Politely decline invitations by expressing your appreciation for the invitation and explaining your current commitments or need for a more relaxed holiday. You might want to suggest alternative times to connect in the future.

Coping with Christmas parties

There’s an expectation that parties should be enjoyable and fun, but this doesn't hold true for everyone. Some people have a preference for a quieter atmosphere and don’t enjoy parties.

If you struggle with social anxiety or a sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights parties can be uncomfortable and overwhelming.

Even if you enjoy parties attending a few in a short space of time could be exhausting.

Dealing with Christmas party invitations can be managed with the following tips:

• It's Okay to Decline Invites:

  • If you don't wish to attend, it's perfectly acceptable to decline invitations. Here are some suggestions for responding:

    • Reply promptly;

    • Keep your response brief;

    • Express gratitude for the invitation;

    • Provide an honest and concise reason, such as "I have other plans for that day" or "I’m unable to attend due to a busy schedule."

    • Wish the person hosting an enjoyable event.

• Suggest Alternatives:

  • If declining, consider suggesting an alternative way to celebrate with friends, such as meeting in a cafe or inviting a few people over.

• Make an Exit Plan:

  • If you decide to attend a party, make a plan to leave when you're ready. This could involve:

    • Informing the host in advance that you'll be leaving early;

    • Arrange transportation (e.g., a lift or taxi) for the time you want to depart;

    • Leaving the party when you feel it's the right time for you.

• After Leaving the Party:

  • If you feel awkward about having left the party before the end, you might want to contact the host the next day to express appreciation for the invitation and let them know you enjoyed your time there.

Remember, to prioritise your well-being during the holiday season. It’s important to find a balance that suits your comfort, energy levels and preferences.

How to change your expectations

Have past Christmas celebrations met your expectations? If they have, that's wonderful! If not, you're not alone. Often, media and advertising present an idealised version of the holiday season, creating expectations that might not align with reality.

The buildup to Christmas can be highly anticipated, only for the actual day to feel somewhat lacklustre or disappointing rather than the anticipated excitement, magic, and joy.

The pressure to meet expectations, whether self-imposed or influenced by others, can lead to investing significant effort in making Christmas perfect. However, this often results in feeling overwhelmed and feeling frazzled when the day finally arrives, making it challenging to truly enjoy the moment.

To set new expectations, consider or journal the following questions:

• Are you striving to meet your own expectations of Christmas, or are you influenced by the expectations of others?

• Reflect on your feelings during or immediately after the festive period.

• Identify the aspects of past Christmases that brought you joy and what made them enjoyable.

• How can you incorporate more of those enjoyable elements into your celebrations?

• Identify the aspects of Christmas that often feel draining or stressful, and understand the factors contributing to this.

• What steps can you take to reduce or avoid these stressors?

• Consider how you can make the festive period more manageable and align with more realistic expectations.

Managing Grief and Loss at Christmas

The holiday season can intensify feelings of grief and loss. It can serve as a poignant reminder of those no longer present in our lives, whether human or animal. Triggers may manifest through cherished decorations, greeting cards, or familiar tunes that evoke memories of times shared.

Amid the pervasive notion of Christmas as a time of joy, you might find yourself feeling out of sync with the festive spirit. Expressing your grief can be challenging, and the season may amplify the sense of loneliness that often accompanies mourning.

Consider these strategies for navigating this period:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve:

  • It’s natural to experience the emotions of sadness, numbness, anger, or fear that accompany your loss. Engage with trusted individuals, reminisce, peruse photos, journal your thoughts, and revisit places that hold shared memories.

• Acknowledge Shared Feelings:

  • Recognize that not everyone feels 'jolly' during Christmas. Many people find this time challenging but may feel compelled to wear a cheerful facade. You're not alone in navigating complex emotions during the festive period.

• Embrace Moments of Joy:

  • If your loss is due to bereavement, understand that it's acceptable to experience moments of laughter or enjoyment. Feeling guilty about finding happiness doesn't diminish the love and longing for the departed individual or cherished animal.

• Self-Care is important:

  • Prioritise your well-being by maintaining a balanced lifestyle – eat healthy meals, engage in regular exercise, spend time with others and in solitary reflection, and adhere to a routine.

• Consider Volunteering:

• If the prospect of being alone during Christmas is daunting, you might want to consider volunteering. It is often a great way to connect with others and contribute positively to the community.

• Respect Your Need for Solitude:

• If you choose to spend Christmas alone, don't succumb to external pressures. Allow yourself the space and time you require.

• Reach Out for Support:

  • If you feel the need to talk during Christmas:

    • Samaritans offer 24/7 support throughout the year;

    • If you have a trusted friend or family member you might want to speak to them.

• Access Bereavement Therapy:

  • If the burden of grief feels confusing or relentless, you might want to consider seeking bereavement counselling or grief therapy to navigate the complexities of your emotions.

Managing Finances

The temptation to overspend during the festive season is ever-present, whether it's indulging in lavish food and drinks, hosting gatherings, dining out, or purchasing gifts.

However, the financial repercussions of such expenditures can linger long after the Christmas decorations are packed away. Here are some money-saving suggestions for the holiday season:

• Establish and Adhere to a Budget:

  • Set a clear budget for your holiday expenses and steadfastly stick to it. This simple step can prevent financial strains that extend well beyond the festive period.

• Collaborative Celebrations:

  • If you're hosting a party, consider making it a collaborative effort by having guests contribute a bottle and some food. This not only eases the financial burden but also fosters a communal spirit.

• Explore Charity Shops:

• Unearth fantastic bargains by perusing charity shops. Second-hand finds, whether toys, jewellery, or clothing. This not only benefits your wallet but also contributes to environmental sustainability.

• Embrace Secret Santa:

  • Propose the idea of a Secret Santa exchange within friendship or family circles. This way, instead of buying individual gifts for everyone, each person draws a single recipient, reducing overall expenses.

• DIY Gift Giving:

  • Tap into your creative side and consider making gifts instead of purchasing them. Handmade presents not only show thoughtfulness but can be a cost-effective way to share joy. Engaging in creative activities can also enhance well-being.

• Offer the Gift of Time:

  • Rather than buying a traditional present, extend an offer of your time. Whether it's babysitting, cleaning, or gardening, providing a service can be a meaningful and personal way to show your love. However, be mindful to offer only what you can comfortably manage without overcommitting yourself.

Avoid Overindulgence

Many individuals indulge in rich foods, increase their alcohol consumption, and have late nights during festive seasons. While these elements can contribute to the joy of celebrations, excessive indulgence in these pleasures may result in feelings of fatigue, bloating, and potential hangovers.

I'm not suggesting refraining from treating yourself, but rather, considering how to do so in moderation. Experiencing the unpleasant side effects of overindulgence is something none of us enjoy.

If you're contemplating attending an event, it might be beneficial to consider:

1. Do I genuinely want to attend?

2. How many other events and commitments are already in my schedule?

3. Am I attending because I feel obligated, or is it a genuine desire?

4. If you consume alcohol - can I establish a limit?

5. What time do I plan to leave?

6. If the event involves food you dislike or your dietary needs are not catered for - could I join the others after they’ve finished eating?

Rethinking Christmas

For many years, my approach to Christmas followed a familiar pattern without much contemplation. It mirrored how my parents celebrated the holiday during my childhood, aligned with societal and media portrayals of the ideal Christmas.

This continued until I embarked on a journey of self-care, prompting me to question if I was simply on autopilot or genuinely crafting a holiday season that resonated with me.

While certain aspects of the festive season brought me joy, the exhaustion I felt at its conclusion spurred a reevaluation. I began exploring how to be more discerning with my time, posing pivotal questions:

• Which festive activities do I genuinely enjoy, and which could I do without?

• How many events can I attend before they become draining rather than enjoyable?

• With whom do I want to share my time, and how can I strike a balance with moments of solitude?

This introspection led me to create a Christmas experience that, while echoing elements of the traditional, deviates in meaningful ways. Prioritising time for activities important to me, including social engagements and crucially, moments of personal reflection, meditation, creativity, and outdoor pursuits.

This deliberate approach sometimes means missing certain events, uttering occasional no's to social invitations, and forgoing certain established traditions. Yet, these adjustments contribute to a more serene and less depleting festive period.

Ultimately, I've found a balance that leaves me feeling revitalised, content, and ready for the New Year.

Admittingly, reshaping Christmas wasn't a straightforward task. Change often encounters resistance, be it from others or from within. Compromises were inevitable, but they were carefully chosen to preserve the essence of my goal: fostering good self-care.

Questions to consider

You might want to take a moment to reflect or journal the following questions:

• If you were to have a perfect Christmas what would that look like?

• Where do your ideas of a perfect Christmas come from?

• If you were to put aside these ideas what, if anything, would you change about how you do Christmas?

• What difference would this make, if any, to your overall sense of well-being?

• What actions can you take to make the festive period a calm or enjoyable one for you?

Counselling & Psychotherapy

If you find yourself struggling with any of the issues mentioned in this blog you might find therapy helpful. I offer sessions face-to-face, online or over the telephone. You can find out more about how I work by visiting my ‘About Counselling & Psychotherapy’ page or by getting in contact with me.