Anger - The surprising emotion of grief

Why do I feel angry when experiencing grief from a breavement

What does grief feel like?

When we suffer from a bereavement we can go through a range of emotions. We may feel numbness, longing, disbelief, or deep sadness. Some emotions may make sense to you, but others may feel confusing or unexpected.

The emotion that can take people by surprise is anger. Not everyone will experience this, but it is more common than people realise. I wanted to write a blog on grief and anger as this is a topic that is rarely discussed.

Why do I Feel Angry?

Anger is a natural human emotion. Without it, we wouldn’t have survived as a species. It helps us bring about change or to stand up for our rights. However, many of us have a difficult relationship with anger. As children, and adults, it is rare we are taught healthy ways to cope with and express anger. This is a topic I have covered in more depth in another article.

Why is Grief Making me Feel Angry?

There are various reasons someone may feel angry when they have lost someone close to them. Some of these may include:

• Anger at the person for having died;

• Anger at the situation the deceased has left them in;

• Anger at the way in which the person died;

• Anger at unresolved issues;

• Anger towards the self;

• Anger as a survival mechanism;

• Angry at the response from friends or family

I will go over each of these points in more depth below. You may find one or more of these reasons apply to you. However, please bear in mind that this list is not exhaustive. If you have an experience that differs from this, it is more than likely you are still having a perfectly normal reaction to a very difficult experience. Whilst there are commonalities to grief it still remains an individual experience. If you are confused about how you are feeling you may want to speak to someone trained in this area, such as myself.

Angry at the Person who has Died

It is common to feel angry at the person you have lost. It may be all-consuming anger, an anger that comes and goes, or anger that is mixed with other feelings such as sadness and longing.

People sometimes feel guilty for feeling angry. Yet if this is someone you cared for deeply it is likely their death has left a large hole in your life. Your life may be very different without them and it is okay to feel angry about that.

You may wish they had preempted what was going to happen to them in order to prevent it or that they had fought harder to live. Whilst logically it is unlikely to be the case, it is still possible to have such thoughts.

You may also be angry at them as their death has left you with overwhelming grief, with practical matters to sort out or there may be unfinished business between you.

Anger at the Situation the Deceased has Left you in

When someone close to us dies it can lead to various practical difficulties. There could be financial implications. You may need to take on roles that the deceased was responsible for. Tasks you don’t feel confident with or know how to do.

Anger at How the Person Died

Again, there are many different reasons someone may feel angry as a result of how someone died. Here are some examples:

• You may feel that someone was responsible, directly or indirectly, for that person's death;

• If the person took their own life you may feel angry that they chose this option. Maybe anger that you weren't able to spot this or prevent this from happening. Angry that they took the decision to end their own life;

• You may be angry at God, the universe or the world for letting this happen;

• You may feel angry at a specific illness that may have brought about the end of this person's life;

• If the person died young there may be anger at what they will miss out on. This also applies to the loss of babies that are stillborn or miscarried. The unfairness of someone being taken too early.

Anger at Unresolved Issues with the Deceased

If you had a complicated relationship with the deceased there is no longer an opportunity or the hope that this can be resolved.

If you had a good relationship with the deceased there may be things you wish you had told them whilst they were still alive. Or maybe you’d had some disagreement that you’d not had a chance to resolve before they died.

Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief

You may question yourself on whether there was something more you could have done. Could you have spotted they were unwell or suicidal, could you have tried to resolve a complicated relationship before it was too late? If it was a miscarriage could you have somehow prevented it? So many ifs!!!

When grieving it can be hard to see that in the vast majority of cases these things would have made no difference whatsoever.

Sometimes it can be a case of directing anger towards the self as it feels wrong to be angry at the deceased.

Anger as a Response to a Perceived Threat

If we feel threatened it is natural that we have an angry response. Anger is a natural instinct to perceive danger. Following a death, the world can seem a scary place and we may experience anger as a response to this.

Feeling Unsupported or Not Understood

You may feel friends or family members are being unhelpful. Whether that is through a lack of support, feeling they are avoiding you or saying the wrong things.

Grieving can feel especially hard if you feel isolated or not understood by those you are close to. You may be feeling let down and hurt by their actions or inactions.

Some people will feel their anger build up in response to this resulting in an unhelpful confrontation. Others may feel resentful and withdraw from the people close to them. Both of these can be problematic and lead to increased feelings of hurt and being alone.

There can be a number of reasons for friends or family members to act in ways that seem unsupportive or hurtful. Not everyone knows what to say or how to behave around someone who is grieving. It is a skill we are rarely taught and some people can do it better than others. Could it be that this person needs to be instructed on what you need from them?

Could they be waiting for you to contact them as they are not sure if you want to hear from people at the moment?

Is it possible that they have been impacted by the death of this person as well? If so they may be grieving too. People respond to grief in different ways and need different things. Their behaviour or absence could be a  response to their loss. Or maybe they have unresolved grief from their past and it is triggered by your loss. In an act to avoid their own pain, they may end up avoiding you too.

I’m not dismissing your feelings of being let down or justifying the poor behaviour of others. If you are feeling unsupported or you are on the receiving end of unhelpful comments you are bound to feel hurt by that. However, sometimes understanding the possible reasons for someone may be acting the way they are may make it feel less personal and hurtful.

Dealing with Grief Anger

The question now is whether you feel you need to manage your anger. You may find some aspects of anger helpful and other aspects of it unhelpful. 

Channelling Anger

Anger can be an energising emotion that helps us to take action. Depending on how the person died you might find yourself using the anger to fight for justice or to fight for a cause that is linked to how the person died. Or you may find some other way of channelling it into something that feels purposeful or meaningful to you.

Managing Anger

Anger that is hurtful towards yourself or others can be problematic. It may lead to feelings of shame and regret. It may also damage your relationships with others, your job and so on. If this is the case you might want to find ways to manage and express your anger differently.

I won’t go into specific details on managing anger as I have covered this in-depth in another article. However, simple techniques like breathing exercises and writing down your thoughts and feelings may help reduce the intensity of your emotions.

Managing Feeling Let Down and Not Understood

If you are experiencing anger from feeling let down by others it might be helpful to reflect on the reasons they may be behaving in this way. Are they also grieving, do they worry they would be intruding, are they afraid of saying the wrong thing?

Then consider sharing with them how you are feeling and what it is you need from them. I know it’s not an easy thing to do at the best of times but especially when grieving. Yet communicating in a calm and non-confrontational way can sometimes help resolve issues with friends and family. It doesn’t always work but you are giving the other person the opportunity and knowledge on what it is you need from them.

I plan to write a blog in the future on communication, however, a google search should bring up plenty of suggestions on assertiveness skills. I often recommend the book ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Anne Dickson but there are plenty of other books out there too.

Grief Therapy for Anger

If you’re struggling with grief you may find bereavement counselling helpful. I have experience in providing grief therapy and have undertaken training in this area. I have written an article that goes into detail about bereavement therapy if you would like to know more about this.

If you have any questions or you’d like to book an initial appointment please get in contact with me.