Silence. Is it something your love or fear?

There’s the well-known saying and song lyric that says ‘silence is golden’. Do you agree with this?

Some people enjoy silence, and others less so. In this article I cover:

• different reactions we might have to a quiet environment;

• reflective questions to help you understand your relationship to silence more deeply;

• The potential benefits of silence;

• Tips for getting more comfortable with silence.

A noisy world

We each have our own comfort level when it comes to tolerating silence or sounds. In our everyday lives, it has become the norm to be surrounded by a barrage of noise. Whether this is the pinging of mobile phones, the constant rumbling of traffic, the chatter of people, or the whirring of household appliances. Some people feel more comfortable around noise than others. I am wondering whether silence is generally becoming more difficult to value in response to our increasingly noisier world.

What does silence mean to you?

Some people find silence unbearable. Time alone with our thoughts may connect us with inner dialogues that are uncomfortable. Thoughts that we’d prefer to avoid or deny. An absence of sound may trigger negative emotions such as fear, boredom, loneliness, or shame.

Yet for others, silence is welcomed. It can bring about a sense of peace and relaxation. It may be a relief to find quiet in a world that can feel very noisy and overstimulating. It could be a welcomed opportunity to be able to connect more deeply with ourselves and increase our self-awareness.

Do you find silence something you avoid or crave? Or maybe you fall somewhere between the two.

How we experience silence

Culture, upbringing, personal experiences, sound sensitivity, or physical conditions can make our perception of silence take on individual meanings.

Silence as punishment

There can be negative connotations to silence. Many of us have experienced silence being used as a form of punishment. We may have been sent to our rooms as a child for being ‘naughty’. We may have been ignored by people in the past because they were angry with us.

Reflective silence

Maybe you’ve had positive experiences of silence, such as reflective silences in teaching environments or spiritual/religious services, playing sports where the focus is on action rather than speech, or time spent in the countryside away from the sounds of machinery and electronics. 

Sound sensitivity (Hyperacusis)

Some people are more sensitive to sounds and hear them at a louder volume (hyperacusis). Conditions causing this include tinnitus, migraines, or a head injury. Those with autism may also experience hyperacusis.

Social conversations

As a culture, I feel we’re often not taught how to be silent around others. There seems a need to be constantly engaging in the company of others. Silence is often felt to be uncomfortable or awkward. Yet in some cultures, silence is used as a sign of respect or an indication of feeling comfortable and enjoying another's company.

Silence as a spiritual practice

Many spiritual practices seek a quiet environment. It is thought that if we can reduce distractions in our external environment we can work on learning to bring about inner reflection and peace.

Whilst different beliefs may have different aims, many spiritual practices seek to bring about a deep connection with our mind, body, and spirit in order to increase our feeling of well-being and compassion (to ourselves and others) and to grow personally and spiritually.

Questions to reflect on

If you want to understand your relationship with silence, you may find the following journal prompts helpful.

• How is it for you to sit in silence with others?

• How is it for you to be in silence in your own company?

• Do you like a quiet home or do you feel yourself turning on the TV or radio for background noise?

• Can you think of times when you’ve enjoyed silence?

• Situations where silence has felt difficult or awkward?

• What thoughts and emotions come up for you in silence when alone or in social situations?

• How do you feel culture has influenced your thoughts on silence?

• How has your upbringing or past experiences shaped your views on how you experience silence?

If you want to know more about starting a reflective journal you may want to read one of my previous blogs on this.

Positive Aspects of Silence

Silence can be a useful tool for increasing self-awareness and improving communication with others. I’ve given some examples below of how silence can be helpful:

• Silence in a group - Some people find it difficult to speak in large groups. They then feel as if they are not part of it. Yet being quiet can play an important part in a group dynamic. If everyone in a group wanted to speak, it could end up with people talking over one another and no one really gets heard. Yet if someone can sit quietly, observe, and listen they may be more present than the ones that are doing a lot of the talking;

• Silence allows us to formulate what we want to say - How often do you respond to others on autopilot? Or find yourself formulating what you are going to say next whilst the other person is still speaking, rather than really concentrating on them. If we are silent we can really hear what others are saying.

• Increases our self-awareness - Silence allows us time to turn inward and reflect;

• Reduces external distractions - For example, if you needed to concentrate on a task, but had the TV on, your attention may keep switching between the task and interesting snippets on the TV;

• Creativity - Silence can give us a different perspective and help us to make better decisions.

Getting more comfortable with silence

As you can see from the above section, there can be value in silence. If it is something you feel uncomfortable with, but feel you could benefit from more quite, here are some suggestions:

Aim for a small amount of silence each day. It may be only a minute or two, to begin with. The idea is to make it a little uncomfortable without it feeling overwhelming. Smaller steps are easier to stick to than setting a large goal. Then as you get more comfortable with that short period of silence you might want to increase it a little.

Some ideas for adding silence to your day:

• If other household members make noise you could try:

  • Asking for silence between your practice time. You never know, they may enjoy the quiet too;

  • Get up a few minutes earlier than other household members;

  • If you have a car or an outbuilding and it’s not too cold you could sit in there.

• If you get up and immediately switch on the TV, radio, or kettle. Delay this by a few minutes and take in the silence;

• Try Mindfulness practices or some other form of meditation;

• Take quiet walks in nature. Notice the sounds, gaps between sounds, sights, smells, and your feet on the ground.

Final Thoughts

Our perception of silence, and how comfortable we feel with it, can be influenced by our upbringing, culture, and past experiences. You might find it helpful to reflect and journal on what silence means to you and how you came to hold that view.

Silence can bring with it many benefits, yet for some people, silence is an uncomfortable experience. If this is the case it might be a matter of slowly introducing silence into your everyday life.

Counselling

If you find yourself avoiding silence due to difficult feelings, thoughts, or inner dialogue you might benefit from counselling. Counselling may help you to try and make sense of these thoughts and feelings and how to manage them. Please get in contact with me if you would like to know more about how I work or to book an initial appointment.