How to support someone who is grieving

Grief can be an overwhelming and confusing experience, leaving individuals feeling they’re drowning in challenging thoughts and emotions. Often, it is a lonely and arduous journey. Whilst there is no instant remedy for grief, the support of others can provide a comforting anchor amid the pain.

If you find yourself unsure of how to support a friend or family member you’re not alone. Do you find yourself grappling with:

• Awkwardness, feeling out of your depth in the face of grief;

• Redirecting conversations to more comfortable topics;

• Offering well-intentioned but unsolicited advice as you desperately want to ease their pain;

• Avoidance, stemming from fear of saying the wrong thing or being unable to offer adequate support;

• Feeling personally triggered by their loss.

If so, be kind to yourself. Many people are not equipped to navigate the complexities of supporting someone in grief to support someone struggling with loss. As a society, we often fall short of openly discussing death or dying. Consequently, you may not have had the opportunity to develop skills to assist a bereaved person.

Given the potential stress and emotional drain of supporting someone else while managing your own life, it’s essential to set boundaries and be selective in what you can offer.

I hope this article will leave you feeling more self-assured in extending support to someone close to you during their grief journey.

Listen with empathy

Listening with empathy is a powerful way to support someone in their grief journey. Providing a judgment-free, uninterrupted space without offering unsolicited advice can make a significant impact. Sometimes, the simple act of being heard and understood holds more weight than profound words of wisdom. There’s no need for lengthy responses or complex statements, just giving your undivided focus and showing you're there to listen can make a meaningful difference.

It's crucial to respect your friend or family member's space. If they're not ready to talk, avoid pushing them to discuss their loss. Instead, assure them that you're available whenever they feel like sharing.

Even if they choose not to delve into their feelings, they may still appreciate spending time with you. Whether it's sitting in silence, watching TV, taking a walk, or discussing unrelated topics, your presence may bring some comfort.

If your friend or family member prefers solitude for a while, view it as a personal choice rather than a rejection. Simply letting them know you're there when they're ready can mean a great deal. Additionally, reaching out occasionally to express that you're thinking of them reinforces your ongoing support.

Offer practical help

Offering practical help can often be a valuable support for someone experiencing grief, as it often brings feelings of low mood, exhaustion, anxiety, and a lack of motivation. Everyday tasks may suddenly feel overwhelming or challenging to initiate and complete.

Your friend or family member might find comfort in your assistance with tasks such as cleaning, cooking, pet care, or running errands. However, it's crucial to avoid spreading yourself too thin while providing support and you only offer what you’re able to do so without compromising your own well-being.

If unsure sure ask

If you’re uncertain how to best support your friend or family member consider asking them directly. While they may not know themselves, they’ll likely feel warmed by your offer. You could revisit the conversation after they’ve had some time to reflect or try to bounce a few ideas off them to see if anything resonates.

Avoid Cliches

When it comes to loss, cliches are often offered such as:

• Everything happens for a reason;

• Time heals all wounds;

• They reached a good old age;

• They’re in a better place now.

If you feel on the spot and you’re not sure what to say, it’s understandable if you default to a cliche. We learn to respond this way from comments we’ve heard others make, from fiction or the media. However, such comments, despite being well-intentioned, can inadvertently come across as dismissive.

If you’re at a loss for words be open about this. Let the person know you don’t know what to say. If it’s someone you’re close to you might want to offer a listening ear, company or assist with practical tasks.

Acknowledge your own grief

If you’re grieving the same loss, it’s important you don’t dismiss your own pain in an attempt to support someone else. Consider the possibility of mutually supporting each other. However, it’s okay if one or both of you need some space to process your feelings independently.

In cases where you’ve both experienced a different bereavement, hearing about someone else’s loss may trigger your own grief. Ensure you’re taking care of your own well-being. Your grief is just as valid as the grief of the person you want to help.

In either of the above situations, communicate openly with your friend or family member about your feelings. This transparency can help them understand if you need to step back or if your ability to support them is limited. It might be helpful to let your friend or family know what’s going on for you too. That way they may be able to understand if you need to step back or if you are limited in what you can offer.

If stepping back is necessary, you could suggest other sources of help or offer small gestures when you feel ready (more details on this later).

Increase your own self-care

Shouldering the grief of a friend or family member can be emotionally taxing. If you find yourself affected prioritise your own well-being through practising good self-care. You might want to take a walk, journal, seek support for yourself, or engage in creative activities. Ensure you carve out time for activities that bring you calm and nourishment.

Establish clear Boundaries

If you’re facing your own challenges, you may not have the capacity to provide support to another person at this time. It doesn’t diminish your care, it just means you don’t have the headspace or energy to be of effective help. Your well-being is as crucial as that of your friend or family member.

Balancing multiple commitments, such as caring for family, long work hours, or other pressing demands, can also make offering assistance challenging. Even if none of these scenarios apply, we all have limited time and energy to give. If someone is expecting more than you can reasonably offer, it's important to set boundaries to safeguard your well-being.

Effective communication is key in these situations. It informs the other person that you're not dismissing them or neglecting their struggles but that you have limitations. You don't need to provide an extensive explanation. For instance:

‘I just want you to know I’m thinking of you. I regret I cannot be there more for you at the moment due to my own challenges.'

Determine the amount of time and energy you can realistically dedicate. Clearly articulate what you can and cannot offer, and stick to these boundaries.

If you are short on energy or time but feel you’re still able to offer something, the next section on small gestures may be helpful.

Small Gestures

Don’t underestimate how much a small gesture may mean to someone. Simply letting your friend or family member know you’re thinking of them could provide some comfort. Consider these ideas for small gestures:

• Send regular text messages letting them know you’re thinking of them;

• Offer to drop by for a quick chat. Specify how long you plan to be there;

• Propose a brief telephone call, setting a limit (e.g. ‘I have a spare fifteen minutes, would you like me to give you a call?’

• Remember significant dates relating to their loss and acknowledge them by sending a card, small gift, or a text message;

• Volunteer to pick up a few items from the shop when you’re already planning to go.

Be there for the long haul

Grief is a process that can unfold over weeks, months or even years. It’s a common misconception that people grieve for a certain length of time. It can be disheartening to the bereaved when others expect them to have ‘moved on’ by now.

What your friend or family member truly needs is enduring patience and ongoing support. It's not unusual for a bereaved person to receive an outpouring of visitors and assistance initially, only to see it dwindle over time, potentially leaving them feeling isolated and lonely.

Even the smallest gestures that convey your continued understanding of their pain can have a significant impact.

Final Thoughts

Being a pillar of support for a grieving friend or family member demands empathy, patience, and courage. It may consume your time, energy, and emotional resilience, so it's crucial to prioritise your own well-being. Your feelings matter just as much as those of the person you're assisting, and burnout won't benefit anyone.

To safeguard your well-being, assess how much you can realistically offer, establish clear boundaries, practice self-care, and seek support for yourself when necessary.

Don’t underestimate the power of small gestures. A simple reminder that you haven't forgotten their pain can provide some comfort.

Grief is a highly individual experience, and knowing how to help can be challenging. Some may appreciate discussing their loss or assistance with practical matters, while others may need solitude. Respect their wishes and avoid pressuring them to accept help. If uncertain, ask your friend or family member what they need.

Grief knows no time constraints. Being a constant presence throughout their journey can be an invaluable gift. Ways to achieve this include regular check-ins and remembering important anniversaries.

When someone is grieving, it's often an isolating and overwhelming experience. Your consistent support, in any form, could make them feel less alone and appreciative of your warmth.

Bereavement Counselling

I offer bereavement counselling in Durham, online or by phone. If you have any questions about bereavement counselling or therapy please don’t hesitate to contact me.